Monday, 18 April 2011

Wella: A Warning From History + Wella's 'Just Got Back From T'Caravan' mix.

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Wella: A Warning From History!

(The following is a sample of some of English mythology's more imaginative augmentations on the legendary beast 'The Wepps' that I am anthologising in a four-volume set that Random House plan to publish pending the outcome of the Bulgarian shepherds strike)

The Silkworm:
The Silkworm is an early incarnation of the Wepps that first appears in Chaucer's early cookery books. The Silkworm is not actually a worm of any type but a small bird of no more than 4 or 5 inches that was said to have the power of speech but constantly referred to itself in the third person, such as "He's a great little bird, isn't he?" Persian mythology holds that if the Silkworm appears on the window sill in the morning a relative will either come into money or break both legs at a tombola.

The Flying Goon:
The Flying goon is another early version of the modern day Wepps we all know and hate. Flying Goons were said to be magical creatures with four hundred and 4 four eyes. Two hundred for long distance, two hundred for reading and four independently moving eyes to 'keep toot for any loose change or fags on the floor'. According to legend, if a man gazed directly into the face of a Flying Goon he immediately lost his right to drive in Bensham. The Flying Goon was also known to be a harsh carrier of herpes.

The Prawn:
The Prawn see's an interesting spin on the legend of The Wepps as it is a sea monster! Tales see it located living just off the North Northumberland coast near Holy Island. Most scholars maintain that this was due to The Prawns fabled love of free mead that the Monks would pour into the surrounding waters to pacify The Prawn on it's stroppier days. Killing a Prawn was said to be bad luck: In a poem by Sir Herbert Figgles, a sailor shoots one and his boat suddenly founders in a storm, causing the crew to seize the captain and cut his hair into a fashionable Hitler-sweep in a futile attempt to appease the Prawn. There were no survivors.

The Great Weaponie:
The Great Weaponie is a Greek take on the Wepps legend, with the head of a turtle and the body of a turtle, although not the same turtle. The Great Weaponie is reputed to sleep for a thousand years and then suddenly awake in flames, particularly if it was smoking when it dozed off. The red headed Greek warrior Greggles was said to have awakened Weaponie after six hundred years but found it listless and grouchy, and it begged to remain in bed just another two hundred years. The appearance of The Great weaponie is considered unlucky and is usually preceded by a cigarette famine or news of debt.

The Modern Day Wepps:
The truth of the Modern Day Wepps is, as ever, far less interesting than it's numerous legendary incarnations, it is in fact a large magical white mouse with the words 'Touch Me' printed on it's nipples. The Modern Day Wepps is unique amongst rodents in that it can be picked up and played like a trombone. It is also an expert 'tromboner'. It is also said to know the mayor of Pelaw personally.

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Reet then, after the history lesson on the man that is Wella, here's the business end of things. After months and months of asking Wella to cobble us a mix together for the blog he's finally managed to get off the couch and graft a skin of proper house over the raw sinue and bone of grown up techno that makes the spine of this really very, very good mix! It took what seems like an eon of foot up the arse type persuasion to finally get this but it seems it was worth all the kicking! Enjoy!

Download Wella's 'Just Got Back From T'Caravan Mix' here.

P.S. Cheers to Micky Hell for the pics of Wepps in the wild.
Till next time.
Big love. Tourist. X

2 comments:

Jono said...

jesus christ, those strides are f*cking horrendous

Jono said...
This comment has been removed by the author.