Monday, 19 April 2010

Happy birthday to us!! TOURIST is 100!!

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Yes! Much against the odds (and everyones advice!) we here at Tourist Towers have made it to the ripe old age of 100 posts! That's over 2 years of nonsense, prattle, hyperbole, rhetoric, character assassination, outrageous claims of greatness and unfounded opinion masquerading as fact. All in all it's a miracle we got this far as most people ventured that our run would be shorter than Ronnie Corbett in flip-flops. A veritable tribute to irresponsible organisation and people that you'd think twice about granting a dog license to. In celebration of reaching our century we're going to do something a tad different, a week devoted to mixes from some of our home town (ish) favourites. Some of the best that the North East has to offer n' all that. However before that we've been rummaging around the desk drawers here at Tourist and we're delving into the files marked 'Private' to take a look into our own personal diary's and journals and shed some light onto our fractured psyche's.
Regarde,,,,,

Today: Notes from Geoff Leopard: Two weeks in my shoes. Considered.

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Monday: Getting through the night is becoming harder and harder. Last evening I had the uneasy feeling that some men were trying to break into my room to shampoo me. But why? I kept imagining I saw shadowy forms, and at 4 A.M. the underwear I had draped over a chair resembled the Queen on roller skates. When I did fall asleep, I had that same hideous nightmare in which 'Poorly' Barton is trying to claim my prize at a raffle and I'm unable to alert the authorities as he's already Gaffa taped me to a potty. Despair.

Tuesday: I believe my consumption has grown worse. Also my asthma. The wheezing comes and goes, and I get dizzy more and more frequently. I have taken to violent rages and fainting. My room is damp and I have perpetual chills and palpitations of the gut. I noticed too, that I'm out of napkins. Will it never stop?

Wednesday: Idea for a story: A man awakens to find his parrot has been made Secretary Of State. He is consumed by jealousy and shoots himself, but unfortunately the gun is the type with a little flag that pops out, with the word "Bang" on it. The flag pokes his eye out, and he lives - a chastened human being who, for the first time, enjoys the simple pleasures of life, like farming or sitting on an air hose.

Thursday: Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. Not only food: Frequently there MUST be a beverage.

Friday: Should I marry W.? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a Woman of her beauty to give up Rugby? Decisions.....

Saturday: Once again I tried committing suicide - this time by wetting my nose and inserting it into the plug socket. Unfortunately, there was a short circuit in the wiring, and I merely cut off the power to the fridge. Those pizzas and pies are gonna need eating soon! Still obsessed by thoughts of death, but now with my stomach full, I continue brooding. I keep wondering if there is an afterlife, and if there is will they be able to change a twenty?

Sunday: Ran into my Aunt today at a wedding. We had not seen each other in fifteen years, but as usual she tampered with my undercarriage then slipped me a quid for the trouble. Time has helped me understand her better. I finally realised her remark that I am "some loathsome vermin fit only for extermination" was said more out of compassion than anger. Lets face it: she was always much brighter than me - wittier, more cultured, better educated. Why she's still working at 'Munchies' remains a mystery!

Monday: Today I saw a red and yellow sunset and thought how insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday and it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again - this time by inhaling next to an insurance salesman.

Tuesday: Idea for a short story: A man awakens in the morning and finds himself transformed into his own prosthetic leg. (This idea works on many levels. Psychologically, it is the quintessence of Kruger, Freud's disciple who discovered sexuality in bacon.)

Wednesday: I have again decided to break off my engagement with W. She doesn't understand my writing and last night said the my 'Critique Of Metaphysical Reality' reminded her of Airplane 2. We quarrelled, and she brought up the subject of children again, but I convinced her that they would be too young.

Thursday: Play idea: A character based on Piers Morgan, but without quite so prominent a big toe and the rampaging cock-rot. He is sent to the Sorbonne to study sandwich making. In the end finds himself living out of the bins not having realised his dream - to sit up to his waist in gravy. (I see a brilliant second-act curtain, where two midgets come upon a severed head in a shipment of volleyballs.)

Friday: While taking my afternoon walk today I have more morbid thoughts. What is it about death that bothers me so much? Probably the hours. Plato said the soul is immortal and lives on after the body drops away, but if my soul exists without my body I am convinced that all my clothes will be lose fitting. Oh well then.

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No onto the bit you all came for, it's the mixes innit! The first in our series of mixes from some of the North Easts finest comes from Fat Dog. Erstwhile proprietor of Middlesbrough's self titled 'Fat Dog Records' emporium and disc jockey par excellence. One of the best mixes I've heard in quite awhile now, it's a blistering, magnificent all-genre-encompassing mix that is guaranteed to keep you locked in from start to finish.
This mix is being hosted by Darlington based club, Those That Know, who recently had a party with Tourist favourite Danny Berman (Red Rack’Em/Hot Coin's) which was by all accounts, awesome.

Tracklisting:

Jnerio Jarel * N.A.S.A.
Falty DL * Metacognist
Nosaj Thing * Coat Of Arms (kdJ loop)
Discodene * Homo Compatible
Here Today * Modernme
Replife * Spirit
The Alan Parson’s Project * I Am Robot (Pilooski re- edit)
Guilty Simpson * Man’s World (Dilla Instrumental)
Moodymann * Analog Live
Jesper Dahlback * Superconductor (wrong speed)
Aphex Twin * Analogue Bubblebath
Byron & Onra * Dance With Me
Parliament 8 The Goose
DJ Spinna * Dillagence
J Dilla * B.B.E (Big Booty Express)
Alan Hawkshaw & Brian Bennett * Oddball
Baptman * Groo
Jimi Tenor * Love & Work
Jimmy Edgar * Hold It Attach It Connect It
Larry Heard * Techno – Centric
Blacksmile * She Makes me
D’angelo * Africa (acoustic bootleg)
The Bad Plus * Smells Like Teen Spirit
Duminie Deporres * Bi Location pt.2
Rondenion * Necessary One For Me
Swayzak * Stronger Love
Theo Parrish * First Floor Metaphor
Sound Species * Brazilya
Spooge * Well
The Mole * Still In My Corner

Download 'Fat Dog * Those That Know Mix No 1' by clicking here.

We'd also recommend that you check out the great Those That Know website here for info on any of their brilliant up coming parties.

Till next time.
Big love. Tourist. X.

P.S. Remember, you can still follow us at Tourist on Twitter here as well as our friends at Dada by clicking here. X

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