Sunday, 3 January 2010

Theo Parrish & Vincent Van Gogh: Dentists at large.

Following are a few of the early essays from the current Tourist staff rosta. There are no late essays, because they ran out of observations. Perhaps as they grow older they will understand more of life and will set it down here in, and then retire back to their rooms and remain there indefinitely. Like the essays of Bacon, the Tourist chaps writings are always brief and full of practical wisdom, although space does not permit the inclusion of some their most profound statements such as "Look on the bright side" and ",,, yeah, my fist was right up it and she was only 14!"


Dear Theo,
Will life never treat me decently? I am wracked by despair! My Head is pounding! Mrs, Solbert is suing me because I made her bridge as I felt it and not to fit her ridiculous mouth! That's wright! I can't work to order like a common tradesman! I Decided her bridge should be enormous and billowing, with wild, explosive teeth flaring up in every direction like fire! Now she is upset because it won't fit in her mouth! She is so bourgeois and stupid, I want to smash her! I tried forcing the false palate in but it sticks out like a star burst chandelier. Still, I find it beautiful. She claims she can't chew! What do I care weather she can chew or not! Theo, I can't go on like this much longer! I asked Cezanne if he would share an office with me, but he is old and infirm and unable to hold the instruments and they must be tied to his wrists but then he lacks accuracy doing fillings and once inside the mouth, he knocks out more teeth than he saves. What to do then?

Dear Theo,
I took some dental X-rays this week that I thought were good. Degas saw them and was critical. He said the composition was bad. All the cavities were bunched in the lower left corner. I explained to him that's how Mrs Reeds Perry's mouth looks, but he wouldn't listen! He said he hated the frames and mahogany was too heavy. When he left , I tore them too shreds! As if that was not enough, I attempted some root-canal work on Mrs English, but halfway through I became despondent. I realised suddenly that root-canal work is not what I do! I grew flushed and dizzy. I ran from the office into the air where I could breathe! I blacked out for several days and woke up at the seaside. When I returned, she was still in the chair. I completed her mouth out of obligation but I couldn't bring myself to sign it.

Dear Theo,
Once again I am in need of funds. I know what a burden I must be to you, but who can I turn to? I need money for materials! I am working almost exclusively with dental floss now, improvising as I go along, and the results are exciting! I have not even a penny left for Novocaine! Today I pulled a tooth and had to anaesthetise the patient by reading him Geoffrey Archer book. Help.

Dear Theo,
Have decided to share offices with Gauguin. He is a fine dentist who specialises in bridgework, and he seems to like me. He was very complimentary about my work on Mr Howles. If you can recall, I filled his lower left seven, then despised the of the silver filler and then removed the filling. Howels was adamant and we went to court. There was a legal question of ownership, and on my lawyers advice, I cleverly sued for the whole tooth and settled for the filling. Well, someone saw it lying in the corner of my office and he wants to put it in a show! They're already talking about a retrospective.

Dear Theo,
I think it is a mistake to share offices with Gauguin. He is a disturbed man. he drinks Lavvoris in large quantities. When I accused him, he flew into a rage and pulled my D.D.S. off the wall. In a calmer moment I convinced him to try filling teeth outdoors and we worked in a meadow surrounded by greens and gold. He put caps on a Miss Angela Tonnato and I gave a temporary filling to Mr Tong. There we were, working together in the open air! Rows of blinding white teeth in the sunlight! then a wind came up and blew Mr Tongs toupee into the bushes. He darted for it and knocked Gauguin's instruments to the ground. Gauguin blamed me and tried to strike out but pushed Mr Tong by mistake, causing him to sit down on the high speed drill. Mr Tong rocketed past me on a fly, taking Miss Tonnato with him. The result of this is Theo, that Rifkin, Rifkin, Bastard & Shit solicitors have annexed my earnings. Send what you can.

Dear Theo,
Toulouse-Lautrec is the saddest man in the world. He longs more than anything to be a great dentist, and he has real talent, but he's too short to reach his patients mouths and too proud to stand on anything. Arms over his head he, he gropes around their lips blindly, and yesterday, instead of putting caps on Mrs Hanglande's teeth, he capped her chin. Meanwhile, my old friend Monet refuses to work on anything but very, very large mouths and Seurat, who is quite moody, has developed a method of cleaning one tooth at a time until he builds up what he calls "a full fresh mouth." It has an architectural solidity to it, but is it dental work.


Mixed Up In The Hague Vol 2.

I-f - real name Ferenc van der Sluijs - will be best known to many as creator of 'Space Invaders Are Smoking Grass', one of the most influential dance music tracks ever, arguably representing both the birth and the creative peak of electroclash (though it was conceived well away from the 'clash fashion nexus of London and New York). A disco fiend first and foremost, I-f's seminal mix CD, Mixed Up In The Hague Vol.1, is cited by many - including the likes of Morgan Geist and James Murphy - as the catalyst for the still-underway italo disco revival and 'Cocadisco', the aptly titled album Ferenc recorded with Intergalactic Gary as 'The Parallax Corporation', is one of this decade's finest.
I-f's involvement in dance music began in the early 90s, when he was a member of 'Unit Moebius' who were a seminal Hague-based acid-techno act often referred to as "Europe's answer to Underground Resistance,,,,". Raw, jacking acid was the order of the day for many release to come under the name Beverly Hills 808303 - including 'Acid Planet 4' and 'Greatest Shit' - are some of the fucking maddest party jams you'll ever experience! Other I-f aliases include Housemaid, Jungian Archetype and Frank Castle, and as well as Unit Moebius and Parallax Corporation he's been involved in such groups as Los Muchachos Gruesos and Brothers Fuck & Friend, and his two best-known labels are Viewlexx and Murder Capital.
But for all the production and label work that's made I-f's name, it's arguably his role as radio broadcaster that's most admirable. His first venture into radio was the legendary, now defunct CBS (Cybernetic Broadcasting System), which gave the kind of attention to out-there disco, italo and electro unthinkable for a mainstream station. CBS paved the way for the bigger, bolder and more "future-proof" Intergalactic FM, without doubt the greatest internet radio service and community on the planet (well, if you like electronic music).
What's great about Intergalactic FM, above and beyond the quality of its music and personality of its presenters - Legowelt's 'Astro Unicorn' show is a weekly highlight, by the way - is that it actually tells you what the hell it is you're listening to. Stream IFM in your iTunes and the track title of the currently playing song and the one that played before it will roll before your eyes; the IFM homepage will cover the playlist for the last hour. Intergalactic FM really shares its finds and its expertise, it doesn't just show off.
'Mixed Up,,, Vol 2' is basically a 2 hour-long session of disco, synth-pop, smacked-out acid house and low-slung boogie that gives you a good flavour of what Intergalactic FM and I-f are about. The guy's a bona fide hero and I, for one, am more excited than a man of my age should be to see him at Dada next month.

1. Material - Don't Lose Control
2. Junior Byron - Dance To The Music
3. Strafe - Set It Off
4. Night Moves - Transdance
5. Mirage (25) - Woman
6. B.W.H. - Stop
7. Kid Frost - Terminator
8. Project Future - Ray-Gun-Omics
9. Casco - Cybernetic Love
10. Steel Mind - Bad Passion
11. Pete Shelley - I Don't Know What It Is
12. International Music System - Nonline
13. Gino Soccio - Dancer
14. Elektrik Funk - On A Journey (I Sing The Funk Electric)
15. Cellophane - Gimme Love
16. 'Lectric Workers - Robot Is Systematic
17. Sparks - Beat The Clock
18. Heather Parisi - Disco Bambina
19. Parallax Corporation, The - Antisocial Tendencies
20. Models - J.R. Robot
21. Scotch - Penguin's Invasion
22. Brand Image - Are You Loving?
23. Thanya - Freedom
24. Simonetti* / Pignatelli* / Morante* - Flashing

Download Mixed Up In The Hague Vol 2. Compiled by I - F.

Facebook event page for the Dada February line up inc Feb 27th with I - F.

Big Love.
Tourist. X.