Wednesday, 12 August 2009
"I'd Like To Meet His Tailor!!"
It's back, bigger and badder than ever, and this season the Premier League is boldly going beyond the parody it's already become.
It is customary every August that the return of English football is over-hyped, over-paid, over-exposed, and has been becoming excessively based in the courts of law of the country. But enough of last season.
Most sports are going to look a bit vulgar when set next to the more genteel pursuits such as cricket and golf, yet the new Premier League season is lining up to be more garish than a fully lit fairground, complete (obviously) with runaway roller coaster.
What about a ride on the ghost train, anyone?
Remember just a couple of years ago now when Noppadon Pattama, Thaskin Sinawatra's Bankok-based lawyer, released a statement explaining why his boss was an ideal person to take over Manchester City:
"There has never been a proper probe. His Excellency has never ordered any of his official staff to kill anyone!" That's my mind at rest then. Now say what you like about Mike Ashley, and please do, but he never had to defend himself to Human Rights Watch. Which takes us onto the Championships new additions, that out of control, Black and White rollercoaster thats tearing along at full tilt up Barrack Road.
It cannot stop, because once you have agreed to pay Joey Barton 140 grand a season for his, gulp, image rights, then clearly you must have a shed load of readies to piss away on the likes of Geremi to warm the bench!
Come now into the hall of mirrors, and Rafa Benitez must be looking at a very distorted reflection each morning if he fancies himself with that fucking 90's raver goatee. In terms of delivering the title though, no manager with the distraction of facial hair decoration that could be described as a 'Posse Beard' has ever won the Premier League, and, although no betting exchange is offering odds on the prospect, it is highly unlikely the rule will be broken. Benitez has spent a shit load of money across the last couple of seasons mostly on strikers. He cannot play them all, and he will need to find his best combination/formation quick, and stick to it as long as he can to get Liverpool into any kind of title contention. Benitez being Benitez though, sticking to a line-up might prove a problem in itself.
The traditional role of the circus strongman will be played by Mark Hughes – 'Roll up! Roll up! See how many strikers he can pick up at once!' – And this season 'Citeh' are supposed to be looking to break into the top 4 and test their strength at the expense of a weak and puny Arsenal side.
Now City look decent. They've got shot of some shite and signed a few more useful players, Kolo Toure especially looking to be a cracking bit of business. If they can add Lescott to that team they begin to look the genuine article. But whether Arsenal turn out to be the stooges that everyone seems to expect is one of the season's biggest questions! It might not be all doom and gloom down at the Emerates though as Arsene Wenger is still a cracking judge of talent and don't forget he's won the title a couple of times himself. A feat neither Rafa or Hughes have been close to for a long time now. The Arsenal could be this seasons dark horses, and if Man City are going to make inroads in the top 4, in my opinion it would have to be at the expense of Liverpool.
Wrestling the title from a Manchester United deflated by the loss of the human footballing steroid of Ronaldo, but still threatening to produce even more from Rooney then last season, will be harder again. Making a definite bet on the winners is the most difficult though. On the face of it, if Man U were stronger than Chelsea last season and they should be even stronger now. But I'm concerned weather Rooney and Owen will form an unstoppable goal machine or merely get in each others way?
Supposing Anelka starts rattling them in alongside Drogba and Essien is as dominant as he was last season. Or Van Persie and Arshavin do the same at Arsenal?
After suggesting last season that Man United might struggle to score enough goals, Hull would go back down bottom and that Chelsea would have the league "Bagged and tagged by Christmas!" I intend to be a bit more cautious with my predictions this year Please be sparing with the hate mail if I happen t get a few things wrong.
There has never been a proper probe. This is only football and, though I don't have a Bangkok-based lawyer to vouch for me, but I promise I have never had anyone killed.
1. Chelsea win the title by a large margin.
2. Arsenal to come second followed by Man U and Liverpool. The usual top four in other words. Spurs and Man Citeh to make a faltering start and, take too long to recover.
3. Everton and Villa to finish above Fulham, Bolton and West Ham.
4. Fulham to be in a relegation position at some point without actually being relegated.
5. Hull, Stoke and of course Sunderland to make up the bottom 3 come May 2010, and Sunderland to beat their lowest points ever record AGAIN!
6. Chelsea to get to the European cup final.
7. Craig Bellamy to have a bust up with, well, anybody at Man Citeh and end up at Portsmouth before the end of the season.
8. Alex Ferguson to retire and Ancelotti to leave Chelsea before the end of the season.
9. Toon scrape into the playoff's but not come back up next season.
10. And, errr, Rafa Benitez has a beard rethink by Christmas.
The Tourist '20 tracks for August' chart.
1. Doves * Compulsion (Andrew Weatherall Remix) (Heavenly)
2. DJ Hell * Hells Kitchen (Playgroup Remix) (International Deejay Gigolo's)
3. Clap Rules * Buio Omega (Dissident)
4. The The * Giant (Pilooski Edit) (Dark & Lovely)
5. General Motors * King Of Kong (White)
6. Mungolian Jet Set * Clairevoyage (16 Rebels of Mung ft. Lindstrom and Dominique Leone Mix) (Smalltown Supersound Norway)
7. Woolfy Vs Projections * Absynth (Marcus Worgull Mix) (Permanent Vaccation)
8. LCD Soundsystem * 45:33 (Trus'Me Remix) (DFA Promo)
9. Jacques Renault * Work It (Cabin Fever Trax Vol 6) (Rekids)
10. Hardton * Time To Jack (Dissident)
11. Crazy P * Caught Up (Still Going Mix) (20:20 Vision)
12. Heartbreak * Akin To Dancing (The Horrors Remix) (Dissident)
13. Audion * It's Full Of Blinding Light (Spectral Sound)
14. Canyons * Fire Eyes (DFA Promo)
15. Plastique De Reve * Lost In The City (40 Thieves Edit) (DFA/Rong Music)
16. Dirty 30 * Disco Apocalypto (I'm A Cliche)
17. The Off Key Hat * Lairy Little Junkie (Dissident)
18. Azari * Reckless With Your Love (CDR)
19. Snax * Honeymoon's Over (Konrad Black Remix) (Terranova Records)
20. Mugwump - Tellakian Circles (Runaway Remix) (Endless Flight)
Bunch of tunes for you as usual. Nice bit of summer house music from Mountain Of One with the House Of House remix of 'Bones'. Keeping up the momentum, Mountain Of One pop up again with some tres classy 'organic Balearic' when they remix Ian Hunter's track 'Bastard', proper bit of class this one. After the great feedback we got after posting 'Reckless For Your Love', Azari crop's back up again with his debut on Cosmo Vitteli's excellent 'I'm A Cliche' label, 'Hungry For Power'. As you would expect it's a brilliant piece of powerfully-throbbing house music. Next up it's Azari's label mate on IAC Jacques Renault with some similarly classy beats in the shape of the 'Magic Games' track. We round things up with Norway's newest exports Mungolian Jet Set. They've been repped for a good few months now by all the right people but seem now to be following up that initial hype by actually delivering some really top notch tracks. 'Creepy', the track we've posted here was the first thing I'd heard by them but they've since then put out a handful of brilliant tracks, so if you like this then have a dig about for the others. It'll be worth ya while peeps!
Mountain Of One * Bones (House Of House Remix)
Azari * Hungry For Power
Mano Le Tough * Half A Sun
Mungolian Jet Set * Creepy
Jacques Renault * Magic Games
Ian Hunter * Bastard (A Mountain Of One's Rework)
Also,,,, as a late inclusion I thought I'd post this little beauty that fell into my inbox recently. It's an absolutely brilliant live set from Andrew Weatherall at the 'Rockness Festival' back in June. Touching base with everything from disco-to-chuggers-to-techno with the usual leftfield gems chucked in the mix. A proper masterclass.
Just click here to download it!
Till next time. Big love.
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