Wednesday, 29 July 2009

Cheap Nob Gags. Part 2.

JESUS Pictures, Images and Photos

2009 My Personal Highlights.

Great month. Decided to gear up the house for the New Year. Chucked out the old carpets and had the whole place resprayed yellow - the colour of inner calm according to some Kung-Fu expert in the T.V. Times. Took out an ad in free local paper in effort to trump up business. Bingo! Sid Waddell phones up for a mix C.D. but after listening decides he's not interested in booking Geoff or me. Still, sold him an old 1.6 litre Corsa though.

Been at the free paper again. After a billiard table for the dining room. Bought a giraffe off a bloke in Wallsend instead. Only eats lettuce! No surprise to me, I think. Load of rubbish of course as ate the dog within 10 minutes of getting into the garden. Still, he knocked 50 quid off. He had to drive it here in the back of a milk float. Took 15 hours, got lost for 9 of them just outside Heaton. Giraffe didn't seem bothered.

Sad news. Mickey Hell and Geoff Leopard killed in a taxi crash after it careered out of control from the Byker Bridge during an argument over who paid the lion share for the Steak and Ale pie they had for lunch. Turns out Geoff had seen this increase in hostilities coming for a while and had written his own epitaph for this eventuallity. A cursory glace across it reveals what I expected. The prose is dense and there's far too much of the kind of portentous philosophising that makes it sound like a cross between Jungian psychotherapy and Dungeons & Dragons. Vicar at the funeral later that week decided to edit it down to a 'he was a good bloke,,,, sometimes.' It rained at the send off but on the upside, there was a good spread provided at the wake. Later that month I had Sid Waddell on the phone again. Livid. Wants to know why the cassette in the Corsa won't play his T'pau 8-track. Tell him it's not a cassette deck, it's a bloody drinks cabinet. Seems to shut him up for a bit. Can hear his wife playing drums in the background. Poor sod.

Quiet month. Watched a bit of telly. "Food For Thought" on cable. Here's the plot. Dale Winton and Toyah cycle down to south London to investigate a family of lesbian butchers. Superb. Toyah storms straight in swearing and grabs a handful of brisket. Winton gets one of the girls in a headlock and they all pile in waving hammers. Miss the end though. Bloody giraffe got out through the skylight. Could hear his hooves on the slate roof. Knocked ariel off. My fault. Gave him a piece of cod yesterday and he was up all night squeezing it out.

Well I'll be! News reaches me from Sheffield that Mick and Geoff had faked their deaths and it turns out they've joined a gay 'Limp Bizkit' tribute band called 'Limp Wristed' and are doing quite well on the circuit thank-you-very-much. Turns out that the whole convoluted episode was conjured up in order that they could get out of paying a monthly direct debit that both had signed up to for a set of collectable commemorative plates from the 'Wogan' range depicting the erstwhile Blankety Blank host playing golf with messieurs Forsyth, Corbett and Tarbuck.
Waddell turns up drunk again at Tourist HQ with his mate Egyptian Mick. Threatens to smash the place up. We would've been here yesterday, he goes but his wife was playing Wembly with 'Earth, Wind And Fire' and he couldn't get a babysitter. Didn't even know they had a team.

Put the giraffe in the free paper. Some bloke in Jarrow. Said he'd have it for a set of car tyres. Turned up on the Tuesday in a caravan. spent 40 minutes trying to get the thing in the back. In the end we had to stun it and fold it in half. Didn't seem that bothered. Bloke was well happy. worked for 'Dixons' so I expect he'll look after it.

Holiday. Lanzarote for two weeks. Beautiful. Bumped into Elton John at the airport on the way back. Naturally he had customs on red alert so I just waltzed through. Back home Waddell is waiting on me porch. His missus has only gone and run off with M People. What, all of them?

Big party round my place to cheer up Waddell. About half twelve bloody M People turn up. All 25 of them so I hide in the kitchen. Somehow Waddell gets word and starts taunting them through the serving hatch. His missus pulls out a shooter and starts firing shots into the ceiling. Waddell legs it threatening to come back later with Egyptian Mick and some of T'pau's roadies. He phones me about half four saying he can't get the Corsa started. Just as well Sid, I tell him, Earth, Wind And Fire have just turned up!!

stencil Pictures, Images and Photos

Last Waltz News!

This is not nepotism, I promise, but just a word about my long suffering wife Geoff and his fab new Sunday night blow out 'Last Waltz'. It seems that he and the other chaps who run it, Fos and Colin seem to have hit on some kind of magic formula with the night going from strength to strength with every week that passes now. However, don't take my word for it, you can read what 'POP' magazine thinks about them by clicking here. Anyway, a special thank you to everyone who has supported them in the weeks since they've opened, they're bring you a Special Bank Holiday Blow-Out, Featuring...

*1 of their absolutely favourite DJ/producers
*2 of their absolutely favourite local SuperStars
*3 extra hours of party action (6am Finish!!!) well as the usual residents & even more "Last Waltz" production, light & Magic*......Plus, rather than charge you extra for all of this, they're even DROPPING THE ENTRY FEE for the first 3 hours of the night!!

Last Waltz August Bank Holiday Extravaganza with:
Mark E (Golf Channel/Jisco Music)
People Get Real (Wax:On, Reclaim The Dancefloor)
and residents El. Dee and Geoff Leopard.
11:00 till 6:00 A.M. @ Madame Koo's, collingwood Street, Newcastle.
£4 Before 1am! / £6 After 1am!

And just to whet your appetite here's a mix from headliner Mark E.

Mark E "Mystery Mix" (

Fezzbook group pressure,,,,,

It's that time again so here's a bunch of tunes for you cats to download. Something old, something new, something borrowed and something on glue.

Padded Cell * Faces Of The Forest

Dorsnee* San Soda

Don't Stop * T & T Edits

Azari & Ill * Reckless With Your Love

Black Meteoric Star * World Eater

The The * Giant (Pilooski Edit)

Luke Vibert * Disco Nasty

Till next time.
Big love. Moogar. x.

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