Tuesday, 16 June 2009

Thoughts On Love And Smoking (A Stolen Title)

Pirates Pictures, Images and Photos
"Haaargh! Haaaaaaaaaargh! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaargh! There's water water everywhere but not a drop to drink. But empty vessel's make more noise," a wise man once said.
It's a fact of life that hookers, lesbians, Gianluigi Lentini's French bakers haircut when he signed for Milan, Lester Freamon off of The Wire and Rubicon fruit juice are the coolest things to have roamed the planet. As well as Pirates of course! In order prove this fact, and it is a fact, I've put together a handy go-to reference guide to the Champions league of navel badmen full of iron clad facts and stats as proof of this.

Francis Drake:
Probably best known for his prowess at Crown Green Bowling and his dope MCing skillz, Sir Francis Drake was an Elizabethan privateer with an evident hatred of the Spanish. Not content with routing their Armada, Drake routinely attacked and robbed Spaniards at every opportunity. His attack on Cadiz and along The Veronica's in Tenerife are the stuff of legend as are his devastating raids on the Spanish Main, earning him their fear and grudging respect. In his ship The Golden Hind, Drake Was the first Englishman to circumnavigate the globe, even claiming a portion of California for Queen Elizabeth along the way and installing Errol Flynn as it's first governor.

Henry Morgan.
The Welsh pirate plundered robbed and generally annoyed the Spanish on their own so-called Main, ie; their South American colonies. In 1668 Captain Morgan attacked the Spanish mainland, plundered their cities and had it on his toes with a quarter of a million pieces of gold. Later he led an army overland to plunder Panama, but short of food and water, his men were forced to eat every dog, cat and mule they could find. Morgan still managed to sack the city, before doing a nash with most of the loot for himself. He was later knighted by Charles II, made Governor of Jamaica and later, Mayor of Bensham. A position which had just been vacated after 2 terms by Graham Cartwright.

William Kidd:
Having initially received a royal commission to apprehend pirates in the Red Sea and Indian Ocean, celebrated 17th Century British outlaw Captain Kidd decided being a pirate was much more fun. In 1698 he took his most valuable ship, the Quedagh Merchant on a looting and pillaging spree along the North American coast, but a year later, suddenly worried about getting caught, Kidd scuttled the stolen ship with it's huge treasure haul and travelled to New York to persuade it's governor of his innocence. After a likely rebuttal of, "You're a funny fuckin' guy, yeah, you're like a fuckin' comedian ya stoopid fuck! Go get me a fuckin' pretzel ye dumb shmo', why I oighta,,,,," Kidd was extradited to England and hanged. Despite receiving a fabulous character reference from Errol Flynn.

Long John Silver:
With his eye-patch and talking parrot, Silver was a big noise in the Pirate biz. Immortalised in early issues of a Haynes publication penned by Robert Louis Stevenson,'The Granada 3.0 Ghia Owners Manual', Silver spent his time robbing ships and burying the treasure on small islands all over the Caribbean. His fondness for cabin boys called Jim, pieces of eight, "Hahahahaha's" and "me hearties" were legendary, and some sceptics have even claimed that Stevenson made the whole thing up. Some historians claim that Long John invented underwear, and his first mate, Dave 'Jolly' Rancher, a happy-go-lucky type, gave his name to a famous mint.

Captain Pugwash:
First off, lets get one thing straight, he never had a crew member called Seaman Stains, or Bot the cabin boy or anything daft like that, though Bosun Cunt-chops (pronounced 'Cunt-Chops') was a trusted confidante of his. The erstwhile cap'n of the fearsome 'Black Pig', Pugwash was one of the most violent and psychopathic pirates ever to plunder the Spanish galleons of the new world. Legend has it that Pugwash would flay the skin from his Spaniard captives to make fashionable scarves for his cabin boys in order that they would look 'smart' next time they dropped anchor in Ibiza and nipped down the Ku. Pugwash was in fact such a nutter that his ever nervous crew defected one by one until they left him with just a skeleton crew to man his ship, and when that ran aground in Jamaica, he was captured by a group of native 'badmen' who proceded 'dash him up' then tore him limb from limb.
Contrary to popular belief, at the time of his death Pugwash had retired from competitive beatboxing.

Anne Bonny:
The best-known female pirate, Anne Bonny was said to be a "Well endowed lass with a fiery spirit and a temper that matched that of Quincy M.E.". Fighting in men's clothes, she was a bit tasty with a cutlass and was first over the side with any boarding party. In 1720, when Anne was still only a 20 year old hewa, her ship was captured in the Caribbean, but she escaped execution on account of being up the duff and then mysteriously vanished from official records. She is thought to have been ransomed by her father and allowed to start a new life in America becoming one of the original members of Destiny's Child. She later married and had 5 children, possibly with Errol Flynn.
pirates Pictures, Images and Photos

Reet then, hope that cleared up any confusion you may have been suffering with regards to famous privateers/pirates. You'll now be able to nip off down the juicer, armed with all the statistical density and bad pirate 'tude you need to pontificate and eulogise at great lengths about shivering timbers, red polkerdot headscarf's and all things galleon related.
Now onto a bit of video in which Graham Cartwright (2nd mention of him today!), sorry, Terry Farley and Steve Hall spout some pretentious twaddle about the halcyon days of the Balearic Network and the Boys Own/JBO label and their parties.

Now onto some tunes. Good bunch of stuff this week. Some cracking new stuff from DFA/Rong, some *cough* 'proper house' and some other edit's and stuff I've ripped from vinyl and my old hard drive.
We kick off proceedings with the legendary Black Devil Disco Club's 'On Just Foot' from their 'In Dub' album putting foot-to-arse in the name of deep technoid disco. Ashley Beedles early 90's incarnation, (alongside Rob Mello and Linsey Edwards if memory serves,) 'Black Science Orchestra' make an appearence with a new mix of 'Save Us' which popped up a few months back on a promo package. Not sure if this version made the official release but it's a killer mix so I've stuck it up anyhoo.
A couple of Greg Wilson's re-cuts have sneaked in too this week, the version of Psycho Killer from 'Stop Making Sense' he's edited into 'I Gotta Tape I Wanna Play' being my personal favorite, that is not to detract from his subtle re-edit of D.C. LaRue's 'Ca-The-Drals.'
The DFA/Rong stable play an absolute blider with the Tiedye remix of 'Love The Night Away' by DJ Kaos, all Balearic Bongo's and classic Italo vocals, it's got classic writ through it and I'll stake what little is left of my reputation on that! Much to my chagrin, I got this on promo of a couple of months back and didn't give it a proper listen but went back to it a fortnight or so ago and it's been on heavy rotation here at Tourist towers since. A stone cold, real-I-am, proper, bonafide, 9.5 out of 10 classic pop cut.
Kitsune bods 'Tanlines' deliver a bit of calypso disco electro music for various kinds of sex, doncha know? And we finish off with a snappy Prins Thomas mix of Forces Of Nature on ever trendy Japanese label Mule Musiq, and Todd Terje's edit of 'Horse With No Name'. Unfortunately I cannot provide the lovely screen printed cover that comes with the vinyl of this, but why not use your imagination and get a pen and paper, scrawl something akin to a horse on it and whack it on a CD. There ye gan.

Black Devil Disco Club - On Just Foot (Dub Version)

DJ Kaos - Love The Night Away (Tiedye Remix)

The Glass - Wanna Be Dancin' (In Flagranti Remix)

Talking Heads - I Gotta Tape I Wanna Play (Greg Wilson Edit)

Black Science Orchestra - Save Us (Ashley Beedles Disco Throwback Remix)

DC - Le Groove (Greg Wilson Edit)

Tanlines - Bejan

Force Of Nature - To The Brain (Prins Thomas Remix)

America - Horse With No Name (Todd Terje Edit)

Big Love. Moogar. x.


Mike said...


Lewis said...

i know their cheeky young upstarts, but no somali bad men?
talking heads edit is big