"TRUE love never runs smooth", or so the saying goes. But what if there is a gap in your life and you have no one at all to come home to after the footy, with yet another plate of shit, incinerated scran in the oven?
So, as well as giving me nothing better to do than plagiarizing other peoples/past ideas, (when I actually get the time that is,) with the advent of the Net, there is also the chance to bag that boy/girl of your dreams via an online dating service.
And the beauty of such a service?
You can lie like fuck.
The fact that you are suddenly earning 50k plus, are 10 years younger, own your home outright and that overnight, in an uncanny manner, have woken up looking like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie and have a picture to prove it, means that you're on your way.
Of course, me being a fanny magnet of the highest order and with no need to blag a life (see, I've just proved you CAN lie like fuck on the net!) I have thrown together a quick guide to ensure that your life can be fulfilled and that you can convince ya'sel that you actually have one beyond the confines of the boozer!
FIRST of all you need a plan for 'the new you'. To do this is quite easy and literally costs a fraction of the price of the plastic surgery required in the dark days before the net and if you're a natural Billy-or-Lilly-Bullshiter then it's piss easy.
Being somewhat ethical I would rather use a formula for calculating your new age and income, but it's much easier to use the methods employed by the government for the policy's regarding the benefit system, illegal immigration or the number of weapons of mass destruction present in Iraq and simply pluck figures out of the fucking air.
Saying that you're a solicitor, a football player soon to break into the professional game, a model soon to have pictures used in FHM, Maxim, Loaded, etc, or a doctor usually results in more replies from prospective love matches than admitting that you stack shelves in the Tesco in Heaton, are a steward at The Stadium Of Shite or walk around Northumberland Street with billboards stuck to your body advertising Bingo all day.
DON'T forget to relocate yourself to the leafy suburbs or quayside when completing your address details, and avoid using the words 'council tenant' or 'housing association tenant'. This means that people who actually live in either council or housing association property will show interest.
Also, if it asks you to describe your looks, go for gold.
"Fucking drop dead gorgeous" usually works, and means so much in these shallow self-righteous modern times. Access to an acting agency site usually means that perfect picture is no more than a right click away. Now fill in your own profile adding your new gotten picture and you're off.
NOW, be reasonable, give it at least 45 to 60 minutes in order for another sad loser to get in contact with you. If you're lucky they'll have MSN or Yahoo chat. In fact, scrap that, they DEFFO will have both! You'll soon be passing conversation like you've known each other since school.
Before you know it's springtime and love is in the air.
Sadly, if they then request to meet up, want pictures of you holding a newspaper with the date on or ask if you have a web cam then it has, as armed robbers say when confronted with an armed response unit after making an unorthodox withdrawal , "suddenly got right on top!"
As a plan B, I advise that you, (a), join a gym, (b), start saving for that plastic surgery or (c), simply get a life outside of your computer and wander the drinking establishments of the Bigg Market whenever possible.
RESEARCHERS have been overwhelmed in recent times by the sudden boom in the increase of height within the female population. Data gathered, via dating websites, has concluded that the demographic most British women belong to now is, 5' 9" to 6".
This of course, has nothing to do with the fact that there are some porkies afoot, in that lying about the fact that they edge on 6' when they are actually 5 foot nowt, will guarantee interest from men who would not be out of place in the Guinness Book of Records, like that Robert Waldo bloke; who was never off the cover.
Problem is, that on meeting up with your new partner it will be like Jeanette Crankey and John Cleese wearing red carnations for a terrible blind date sketch. yes, it's the tall, dark and handsome syndrome again.
AS with every guide there is also a need to point out the possible cons with online dating. This section is important when considering a future relationship.
Avoid members of dating sites displaying the following traits:
1. Those who ask for a mobile number before they've got their name out.
2. Keep away from those who place their picture on its side, upside down, etc, etc.
3. Have the obligatory blurred mobile phone picture.
4. Have the face of a person next to them in the picture scratched out, ripped off or scribbled out!
5. Or use their wedding picture or a picture of themselves with their ex bloke/girlfriend. It is common knowledge that people like this need therapy rather than a new romance.
I think that the Cilla Black approach was much safer, just like most people in the land with a free bus pass or that drink in The Legion. Her cultured show which matched complete strangers, meant that at least you knew that the person you ended up with was in need of serious psychiatric attention much quicker than the drawn out process of computer dating.
ANYWAY, best of luck with the romance and let me know if there's a weddin' do on the horizon because I could do with a good piss-up.
By the way, give me somebody who lives in council or housing association accommodation, stacks shelves in Netto, has tea thrown over them by irate female away fans or advertises in Northumberland Street, anytime. Not necessarily for romance though.
We were feeling tres altruistic this week up at Tourist tours so as well as the usual smattering of tunes that are currently putting smile's on our faces there's also a nice little mix for all you peeps to download. We've got some stuff from the DFA stable in the form of an Emperor Machine mix of the new Juan Maclean and a brilliant Mock N' Toof remix of Ladyhawke. Representing the slo-mo-chuggers & disco crew, theres a nice Prins Thomas remix of Jarle Brathens track 'Takras'. We've squeezed in a cheeky little disco edit from JD Twitch of Optimo fame and a tasty little summery-disco number from The Faint, and wrap things up nice n' tidy with New York's 'In Flagranti' who take on Don Diablo's 'Too Cool For School'.
So enjoy the free music,,,,, or not, it really don't matter in the scheme of things innit!
Anyway, stay healthy y'all.
The Juan Maclean * One Day (Emperor Machine Remix)
Don Diablo * Too Cool For School (In Flagranti Remix)
Alexandra Parade * Ruchill Rumpus
Ladyhawke * Back Of The Van (Mock N' Toof Remix)
The Faint * Battlehymn For Children (Tensnake Remix)
Jarle Brathen * Takras (Prins Thomas Remix)
New(ish) live mix from Christmas.
Death Before Disco Vol 4.
1. Mugwump- 'Boutade'
2. Vastkustska Ryggdunkarsallskapet- 'Vansbro Boogie'
3. Czerwone- 'Gitary' (Jackpot Edit)
4. Simon Fedi- 'Belzebu Tales'
5. Sebastian Tellier- 'Kilometer' (Aeroplane's Italo 84 Remix)
6. The Boredoms- 'Ant 10' (Lindstrom remix)
7. Macho- 'Not Tonite' (Jackpot Edit)
8. Addicted Funk Bass- Rockmaster Rus B
9. T&T - 'Don't Stop'
10. Chaz Jankel- 'your'e too Funky (Ilija Rudman Remix)
11. Maxim Samos- Alpha Storm (AN-2 Remix)
12. Aretha Franklin- 'Jump To It' (Prince Klass Edit)
13. Shalamar- 'Right In The Socket'
Live and drunk@Christmaaaaaas.
Peas. Moogar. x.