Monday, 27 April 2009

Hooligan Memoirs. (A blueprint for success!)

Well thats another bank holiday weekend over, hope you had a good one. As usuall, money has been pissed away with an alarming ease on the crap like booze, low quality narcotics and even lower quality Women. To ease the hangover caused by the irregular public holiday here's the usuall mix of a few tunes that we're digging here at Tourist H.Q. and some rambling shite about footy.
Ultras 1 Pictures, Images and Photos
Ever thought of writing a book about being a hooligan/Ultra or an er,,, 'a top boy'? Well thanks to an extensive wardrobe of Italian Knitwear, years of research, Bovril flavoured crisps and a sarky attitude I have just the formula for you to follow to become an er, respected 'Hoolie' writer. Just follow the following steps;


This is the bit where you say you are from a rough part of (enter town or city of your choice, but best leave now if you are from Jesmond, Gosforth, Whitley Bay, Tynemouth, Morpeth, Ponteland or Darras Hall.)
You will also say the people you grew up with were tough (but, fair, salt of the earth, etc) people who knew what a hard life was like etc. You could also throw in something about a grim, desolate post-industrial wasteland you grew up around. Not advisable if you are a Chelsea or Arsenal fan. Ideal for Mackems or The Beasts. You can adopt a bit of a sociological leaning during this bit and claim your hooligan period was a bit of an identity thing, rite of passage etc. Dont forget to insist your mob only ever fought toe to toe (obviously *cough* no weapons were involved with other Firms who were up for a bit of (never done anyone any harm) violence like yourselves). By no means forget during this bit to state categorically you have completely renounced your old ways and even have a ticket for the family enclosure with your off-spring. But, for a bit of a twist in the tail, hint that you may still have a bit of the old Hoolie left in you yet.

You love football really chapter.
All retired Hoolies want to blow apart the myth they arent really interested in football. You will need to throw in some random reminisces of being taken to the club you support by your father and how the club is in your blood etc. At this point you will need to have a photo taken of a tattoo with the clubs crest on your self. Dont forget to wear a pair of shades and look as hard as you can. Its compulsory in this chapter to have a pop at all the new fans, particularly women who have ruined football for you and your mates.

You will have to use expressions like looking better than the other firm gave us such a buzz. You will need to use the term casual on several occasions. You will need to refer lots to Stone Island but just to show you are now ahead of the game, you need to name-check some underground labels (for that just have a flick through a copy of I.D. stop at any page, stick a pin in and hey presto, Marc Jacobs, Y by Yamamoto, Neighbourhood, mentioning any of these will do,) You can refer to people who now wear Stone Island as Clone Island. When talking about Back in the day,,, Lacoste, Tacchini, Paul & Shark, Diadora and Stan Smith trainers, should all be bandied about in a wreckless, random fashion. Best to include some pictures of some ugly young lads from the 1980s wearing V-neck jumpers and anoraks in this chapter and perhaps a newspaper report referring to your dress sense. You should also touch on music. You have to love New Order, House music circa 88-93, Tamla Mowtown, Norther Soul, Stone Roses, the Beautiful South, The Jam and DEFINATELY The Clash. On no account should you profess any affection for U2. Obvious.

There should be several chapters dedicated to the noble art of street boxing. In one chapter you will detail absolutely battering the rival firm from your clubs local rivals. There will need to be an account of how you have been battered yourself. This is just to add a touch of realism. Obviously, if you are a London club (and most books written in this genre are) you will have to have a chapter on Newcastle. In that chapter you will have to say how hard and mental the Geordies were but how you travelled 'Norf' and put the locals in their place. You can describe this as the high point of your hoolie career and the moment you knew your gang had arrived. Best if you copyright this chapter as they are all at it and you'll make a fortune. If you are a northern fan, choose West Ham or Chelsea and just change the words around a bit.

hooligans Pictures, Images and Photos

This is optional. However, it is compulsory for teams that have never played in Europe (Mackems should pay special attention at this point) as big clubs can cover international tomfoolery in a chapter dealing with your clubs European sorties.

Historical Accuracy.
You can write any old shite to be honest as the publishers will possibly not read it and they haven got a clue anyway. On no account give details of actual score-lines etc because you are likely to get this completely wrong. You can mix-up all of your recollections into one morass stands that had been demolished years previous to certain incidents can be described as full to heaving at the point of your recollection. Hardly anyone will notice its pure invention. From what Ive read, Boro and West Ham can provide some excellent tips with regards to complete historical inaccuracy.

Tunes and stuff innit!!
Now onto the tunes.
A bumper package this week, some edity goodness from Todd Terje, Datassette turn in a cracking piece of low slung, chugging techno with their remix of Royksopp. Scottish two piece Den Haan do likewise with media darling 'Little Boots' as they slow things down and drop a nice Moroder-esque rolling bassline remix for her. There's also a couple of older disco edits to download from David Joseph and Dimitri's edit of Ellen & Elaine's cover of 'The Look Of Love'.
Then as a special bank holiday treat we round things off with a classic from Chris Rea and a future classic from House Of House. Released a couple of months back on Harvey's 'Whatever We Want' label and produced by Olivier Spencer from Still Going and Thomas Bullock from Rub N' Tug. The A-side, Rushing To Paradise took all the heat when this first surfaced which was a bit of a pity as it somewhat overshadowed the B-side, the excellent 'The Rough Part'. Every bit as good as the previous release's by Map Of Africa, Quiet Village and The Laughing Light Of Plenty, it's an absolute corker.

Chic * I Want Your Love (Todd Terje Editt)

Little Boots * New In Town (Den Haan Remix)

Royksopp * Happy Up Here (Datassette Remix)

David Joseph * You Can't Hide Your Love From Me (12" Version)

Chris Rea * Josephine (Lounge Version)

House Of House * The Rough Part (Don't Stop)

Ellen & Elaine * The Look Of Love (Dimitri's Re-Editt)

Glossy * Burning Love (12" Version)

TOURIST 'Old, new, borrowed, on glue' TOP 20 FOR MAY:

1. 40 Thieves * Don't Turn It Off.
2. Morgan Geist * Detroit (C2 RMX 1)
3. Glossy * Burning Love.
4. Nite Dog & Lee Douglas * Black Disco Vol 3.
5. Disk * Rumsack (40 Thieves Remix)
6. Fuck Buttons * Sweet Love For Planet Earth (Andrew Weatherall Remix)
7. Leo Zero * Message Of Love.
8. WhoMadeWho * The Plot (Discodein Remix)
9. Sascha Dive * Deepest America ( Moodymann Remix)
10. Marathon Men * Sweet Excorcist.
11. Namlook * Subharmonic Atoms (Pepe Bradock Remix)
12. Fat Camp * Anorak Edits Vol 3.
13. Silent Servant * The Blood Of Our Kings.
14. D'Angelo Vs Simbad *Keep Da Move.
15. Masters At Work * Bloodvibes.
16. Alloy Mental * I Am (Marc Houle Mix)
17. Wild Geese * Macho Disco Master
18. Demis Russos * Love Is (Krivit Edit)
19. Glass Candy * The Chameleon (Johan Agebjorn Remix)
20. David Bowie * Somebody Up There Likes Me (Keepin' On edit)

Peas out. Moogar. x.

Thursday, 16 April 2009

An Ode To Street Hassle.

Goths Pictures, Images and Photos

It was on a dull autumn night in 1981 I once read, that a semi proffessional Wayne Hussey look-e-likey called into a certain club in Newcastle city centre after attending the funeral of a vagrant hed met during his visits to the South Sheilds ferry terminal. Looking dapper in the oversized black overcoat that he had purchased enthusiastically from Phase and the battered hobnailed boots (that he had swapped with the corpsey gravedigger at the aforementioned paraffin's send off that very day for his all too conventional Ravel brogues.) He tightly gripped his plastic glass of cider. Grinning as he thought of adding an array of bondage inspired chainware to his new gotten gear he amused himself at the antics of the people around him dancing as though they had removed their shoes and were dancing on broken glass, or shatter proof plastic as was in this case.
Little did he know it, but this excursion was to change the brightly coloured romantic revellers of Rockshots forever, as they were about to literally enter the dark ages with weirdos far and wide beginning to dress like professional mourners on a 24/7 basis!
As The Damned spun on the deck he struggled with the issue of as to why everyone but he and them preferred trainers to grave digging/navvy footwear and,,, just where his life was leading?

Sales at Phase and Cardbar plummeted as the leather Biggles jacket and 'Sniffin Glue' T-shirt was discarded for the black chunky knit jumper. The manager of the citys Army and Navy flagship store contemplated a Wall Street Crash style suicide bid due to poor sales of newly acquired Italian Combat jackets, by jumping from the balcony in the shop that housed the ex-battle dress surplus. The world had gone mad! Many worried as their old mates discarded the Dalglish, Robson and even the 'Girl Tennis Player Scratching Her Arse' posters, and painted the whole bedroom, furniture included, black! As shares shot up at Dulux a weary tear appeared in my eye people. Black was the new black and more was yet to come, it was like the Adams Family all over again.
The peacock colours that were the make-up of the new-romantic, which had been favoured for so long were to be ousted and, you guessed it, black make-up was soon to become a necessity. Now a name was needed and soon enough came,,,,, The Goth!
Being unhappy was a must and manic depression was a fuckin' status symbol! Pitched battles broke out on Grey street as the bespectacled owner of the old charity shop that once traded there, tried in vain to restore calm amongst the weird crowd fighting for what little of black clothing remained in stock and only managed to diffuse the situation by mentioning that he had contacts in the house clearance fraternity and that this meant the probability of an abundant stock! So shameful was the incident that he felt the need to move his wares further down Grey Street and set up shop down High Bridge Street hoping the matter would soon be forgotten. No Such luck though! Still the madness continued as an army of Alice Cooper clones stormed Oxfam and DEMANDED to root through the backroom stock that had yet to be put out on the shop rails by the altruistic staff.
Soon popular culture within the celluloid community was to fall victim. Tim Burton made his name in Hollywood and turned all the characters of his films into black-clad moody types. Wynoda Ryder became the darling of the not too happy brigade with her role in Edward Scissorhands. The world belonged to the Goth.... or so they thought, as in the distance there lurked a danger, one that was to banish the frowning face from this tribe and make Tim frigging Burton introduce more dayglo colours into his work. It all started one quiet weekday in 'Tunnel' on the top corner of high bridge street in the late 1980s. As the shop assistant applied his black eyeliner he suddenly noticed that over the road at Traxx a lot of vinyl arriving and being played in there was, well, quite boppy! Strange as he found this, he suddenly found himself tapping his foot. Day in day out this continued, for a week or two. Before long he was smiling much more and even dared to iron a smiley face transfer on his favourite black sweatshirt. Soon followed the tye dye clobber and the inflatable bananas in his Chilli Road flat. To to top it all, he went and started to tie his long dark hair in a ponytail. Many of his old crowd worried and insisted that they would continue looking like the Gruesome Twosome drivin the Creepy Coupe in Wacky Races no matter what.
Alas, they too would jack it all in and make the headstart to happiness and move toward the light and the beat. And as the 80s came to a close, a chapter in world history was to close also. THANK FUCK!
cocaine kate Pictures, Images and Photos

Reet, couple of things of (semi) interest for you. First up. A cracking film from 1990 about Ibiza and the Boys Own records tour. It was first shown on Chanel 4 but then pretty much disappeared from the public domain for some strange reason, before surfacing again recently.
Have a watch anyway as it really is a brilliant piece documenting the time and scene.

A Short Film About Chilling.

Just a couple of tunes this week as I haven't been arsed to upload anything. So it's a slice of abrasive dubstep from Switch and some disco(ish) vibes courtesy of Holy Ghost.

Bjork * Nattura (Switch Remix)

MGMT * Of Moons, Birds And Monsters (Holy Ghost! Remixx)

There's also a very nice mix from Canadian producer/DJ Andrew Allsgood who's last release on the brilliant History Clock label has been pulling down 'NUFF heat over the last 8 weeks or so. Touches base with everything from psyche to disco to deep grooves and back again. Highly recommended.
(Then again, my recommendation means very little so I'm probably selling it short a bit. Anyhoo, don't take my word for it, have a listen yasel innit!!)

Andrew Allsgood * Love Hung Mix.

Brain Machine – Massive Dying Stars Vibrate Like Giant Speakers
Feist – When I was (Andrew Allsgood’s Below The Belt Rework)
Andrew Allsgood – Tablets Of Love (Allsgood’s Super Dub mix)
Ike & Tina Turner – Whole Lotta Love (Idjut Boys edit)
Ned Doherty – Get It Up For Love (SDC Edit)
Betty Davis – (Anti) Love Song (Allsgood’s easy peasy edit)
Andrew Allsgood – Hung Out To Dry
Andrew Allsgood – Raise It On Down
Andrew Allsgood – Macho Wizard
Andrew Allsgood – Feel Alright?
Andrew Allsgood – Penny’s Illin’
Andrew Allsgood – Love Affair
Andrew Allsgood – You Can Slide With Me ‘Till Morning
The Steve Miller Band – Macho City (DJ Harri edit)
Patrick Watson – The Storm (Allsgood re-edit)
The Oscilation – This Is Nowhere

Peas. Moogar. x

Monday, 13 April 2009

Desperately Seeking,,,,,

"TRUE love never runs smooth", or so the saying goes. But what if there is a gap in your life and you have no one at all to come home to after the footy, with yet another plate of shit, incinerated scran in the oven?
So, as well as giving me nothing better to do than plagiarizing other peoples/past ideas, (when I actually get the time that is,) with the advent of the Net, there is also the chance to bag that boy/girl of your dreams via an online dating service.
And the beauty of such a service?
You can lie like fuck.
The fact that you are suddenly earning 50k plus, are 10 years younger, own your home outright and that overnight, in an uncanny manner, have woken up looking like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie and have a picture to prove it, means that you're on your way.
Of course, me being a fanny magnet of the highest order and with no need to blag a life (see, I've just proved you CAN lie like fuck on the net!) I have thrown together a quick guide to ensure that your life can be fulfilled and that you can convince ya'sel that you actually have one beyond the confines of the boozer!

FIRST of all you need a plan for 'the new you'. To do this is quite easy and literally costs a fraction of the price of the plastic surgery required in the dark days before the net and if you're a natural Billy-or-Lilly-Bullshiter then it's piss easy.
Being somewhat ethical I would rather use a formula for calculating your new age and income, but it's much easier to use the methods employed by the government for the policy's regarding the benefit system, illegal immigration or the number of weapons of mass destruction present in Iraq and simply pluck figures out of the fucking air.
Saying that you're a solicitor, a football player soon to break into the professional game, a model soon to have pictures used in FHM, Maxim, Loaded, etc, or a doctor usually results in more replies from prospective love matches than admitting that you stack shelves in the Tesco in Heaton, are a steward at The Stadium Of Shite or walk around Northumberland Street with billboards stuck to your body advertising Bingo all day.

DON'T forget to relocate yourself to the leafy suburbs or quayside when completing your address details, and avoid using the words 'council tenant' or 'housing association tenant'. This means that people who actually live in either council or housing association property will show interest.
Also, if it asks you to describe your looks, go for gold.

"Fucking drop dead gorgeous" usually works, and means so much in these shallow self-righteous modern times. Access to an acting agency site usually means that perfect picture is no more than a right click away. Now fill in your own profile adding your new gotten picture and you're off.

NOW, be reasonable, give it at least 45 to 60 minutes in order for another sad loser to get in contact with you. If you're lucky they'll have MSN or Yahoo chat. In fact, scrap that, they DEFFO will have both! You'll soon be passing conversation like you've known each other since school.
Before you know it's springtime and love is in the air.
Sadly, if they then request to meet up, want pictures of you holding a newspaper with the date on or ask if you have a web cam then it has, as armed robbers say when confronted with an armed response unit after making an unorthodox withdrawal , "suddenly got right on top!"

As a plan B, I advise that you, (a), join a gym, (b), start saving for that plastic surgery or (c), simply get a life outside of your computer and wander the drinking establishments of the Bigg Market whenever possible.

RESEARCHERS have been overwhelmed in recent times by the sudden boom in the increase of height within the female population. Data gathered, via dating websites, has concluded that the demographic most British women belong to now is, 5' 9" to 6".
This of course, has nothing to do with the fact that there are some porkies afoot, in that lying about the fact that they edge on 6' when they are actually 5 foot nowt, will guarantee interest from men who would not be out of place in the Guinness Book of Records, like that Robert Waldo bloke; who was never off the cover.
Problem is, that on meeting up with your new partner it will be like Jeanette Crankey and John Cleese wearing red carnations for a terrible blind date sketch. yes, it's the tall, dark and handsome syndrome again.

tall & small Pictures, Images and Photos

AS with every guide there is also a need to point out the possible cons with online dating. This section is important when considering a future relationship.

Avoid members of dating sites displaying the following traits:
1. Those who ask for a mobile number before they've got their name out.
2. Keep away from those who place their picture on its side, upside down, etc, etc.
3. Have the obligatory blurred mobile phone picture.
4. Have the face of a person next to them in the picture scratched out, ripped off or scribbled out!
5. Or use their wedding picture or a picture of themselves with their ex bloke/girlfriend. It is common knowledge that people like this need therapy rather than a new romance.

I think that the Cilla Black approach was much safer, just like most people in the land with a free bus pass or that drink in The Legion. Her cultured show which matched complete strangers, meant that at least you knew that the person you ended up with was in need of serious psychiatric attention much quicker than the drawn out process of computer dating.

ANYWAY, best of luck with the romance and let me know if there's a weddin' do on the horizon because I could do with a good piss-up.
By the way, give me somebody who lives in council or housing association accommodation, stacks shelves in Netto, has tea thrown over them by irate female away fans or advertises in Northumberland Street, anytime. Not necessarily for romance though.
That's Amore.
Not True Pictures, Images and Photos
We were feeling tres altruistic this week up at Tourist tours so as well as the usual smattering of tunes that are currently putting smile's on our faces there's also a nice little mix for all you peeps to download. We've got some stuff from the DFA stable in the form of an Emperor Machine mix of the new Juan Maclean and a brilliant Mock N' Toof remix of Ladyhawke. Representing the slo-mo-chuggers & disco crew, theres a nice Prins Thomas remix of Jarle Brathens track 'Takras'. We've squeezed in a cheeky little disco edit from JD Twitch of Optimo fame and a tasty little summery-disco number from The Faint, and wrap things up nice n' tidy with New York's 'In Flagranti' who take on Don Diablo's 'Too Cool For School'.
So enjoy the free music,,,,, or not, it really don't matter in the scheme of things innit!

Anyway, stay healthy y'all.
Moogar. x.

The Juan Maclean * One Day (Emperor Machine Remix)

Don Diablo * Too Cool For School (In Flagranti Remix)

Alexandra Parade * Ruchill Rumpus

Ladyhawke * Back Of The Van (Mock N' Toof Remix)

The Faint * Battlehymn For Children (Tensnake Remix)

Jarle Brathen * Takras (Prins Thomas Remix)

New(ish) live mix from Christmas.
Death Before Disco Vol 4.

1. Mugwump- 'Boutade'
2. Vastkustska Ryggdunkarsallskapet- 'Vansbro Boogie'
3. Czerwone- 'Gitary' (Jackpot Edit)
4. Simon Fedi- 'Belzebu Tales'
5. Sebastian Tellier- 'Kilometer' (Aeroplane's Italo 84 Remix)
6. The Boredoms- 'Ant 10' (Lindstrom remix)
7. Macho- 'Not Tonite' (Jackpot Edit)
8. Addicted Funk Bass- Rockmaster Rus B
9. T&T - 'Don't Stop'
10. Chaz Jankel- 'your'e too Funky (Ilija Rudman Remix)
11. Maxim Samos- Alpha Storm (AN-2 Remix)
12. Aretha Franklin- 'Jump To It' (Prince Klass Edit)
13. Shalamar- 'Right In The Socket'

Live and drunk@Christmaaaaaas.

Peas. Moogar. x.