Monday, 16 March 2009
A Look At Organised Crime
A Look At Organised Crime.
It is no secret that organized crime in the UK takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies. Reliable sources indicate that the Cosa Nostra laid out no more than nine thousand pounds last year for personalized stationary, and even less for staples. Furthermore, they have one secretary who does all the typing, and only three small rooms for head-quarters, which they share with the Fred Pensky Dance Studio.
Last year, organised crime was directly responsible for more than one hundred murders, and Mafiosi participated indirectly in several hundred more, either by lending the killers bus fare or by holding their coats. Other illicit activities engaged in by the Cosa Nostra members included gambling, narcotics, prostitution, hijacking, loan-sharking and the transportation of a large amount of whitefish across the Berwick border to Scotland for immoral purposes. The tentacles of this corrupt empire even reach into the government itself. Only a few months ago, two gang lords under police survalance spent the night at 10 Downing Street, and the Prime Minister slept on the sofa.
HISTORY OF ORGANISED CRIME IN THE UNITED KINGDOM.
In 1921, Thomas (The Butcher) Covello and Ciro (The Tailor.) Santucci, a pair of Sicilian immigrants, attempted to organise disparate ethnic groups of the underworld and thus take over East London. This was foiled when Albert (The Logical Positivist) Corrillo assassinated Kid Lipsky by locking him in a cupboard and sucking all the air out using a straw. Lipsky's brother Mendy (alias Mendy Lewis, alias Mendy Larsen, alias Mendy Alias) avenged Lipsky's murder by abducting Santucci's brother Gaettano (also known as little Tony, or Rabbi Henry Sharpstein) and returning him several weeks later in twenty-seven separate Peanut butter jars. This signaled the beginning of a bloodbath.
Dominick (The Herpetologist) Mione shot Lucky Lorenzo (So nicknamed when a bomb that went off under his hat failed to kill him) outside a bar in Macclesfield. In return, Corillo and his men traced Mione to Norwich and made his head into a woodwind instrument. At this point, the Vitale gang, run by Guiseppe Vitale (Real Name Quincy Grindles), made their move to take over all bootlegging East Anglia from Irish Larry Doyle – a racketeer so suspicious that he refused to let anybody in his hometown get behind him, and walked down the street constantly pirouetting and spinning around like a right tit. Doyle was later killed when the Squillante Construction Company decided to erect their new offices on the bridge of his nose. Doyles lieutenant, Little Petey (Big Petey) Ross, now took command; he reinstated the Vitale takeover and lured Vitale to an empty city centre car-park on the pretext that a costume party was being held there. Unsuspecting, Vitale walked into the garage dressed as a giant mouse, and was instantly riddled with machine gun bullets. Out of loyalty to their slain chief, Vitale's men immediately defected to Ross. So did Vitale's fiancé, Dave Morreti, a showgirl and star of hit West End musical 'Shut Your Trap!', who wound up marrying Ross, although she later sued him for divorce, charging that he once spread an unpleasant ointment on her.
Fearing federal intervention, Vincent Columbraro, the Buttered Toast King, called for a truce. (Columbraro had such a tight control over all buttered toast moving in and out of Newcastle that one word from him could ruin breakfast for two thirds of the nation.) All members of thee underworld were summoned to a dinner party in Walker Gate, where Columbraro told them that internal warfare must stop and that from then on they had to dress decently and stop slinking around. Letters formerly signed with a black hand would be in the future signed "Best Wishes," and all territory would be divided equally, with Tyne and Wear going to Columbraro's mother. Thus the Mafia, or Cosa Nostra (literally, 'my toothpaste' or our toothpaste'), was born. Two days later, Columbraro got in a warm Jacuzzi to take a bath and has been missing for the past forty-eight years.
The Cosa Nostra is structured like any government or large corporation – or group of gangsters, for that matter. At the top is the capo di tutti capi, or boss of bosses. Meetings are held at his house, and he is responsible for supplying cold meat and ice cubes. Failure to do so means instant death. (Death, incidentally, is one of the worst things that can happen to a Cosa Nostra member, and may prefer simply to pay a fine.) Under the boss of bosses are his lieutenants, each of whom runs one section of town with his "family." Mafia families do not consist of a wife and children who always go to places like the circus or on picnics. They are actually groups of rather serious men, whose main joy in life comes in seeing how long certain people can stay under the Tyne before they start gurgling.
Initiation into the Mafia is quite complicated. A proposed member is blindfolded and led into a dark room. Pieces of honeydew melons are placed into his pockets, and he is required to hop around on one foot while shouting "Crickey!" at the top of his voice. Next, his lower lip is pulled out and snapped back by all the members of the board, or commisione; some oats are put on his head. If he complains, he is disqualified. If, however, he says, "Good, I like oats on my head," he is welcomed into the brotherhood. This is done by kissing him on the check and shaking his hand. From that moment on, he is not permitted to eat beetroot, to amuse his friends by doing an impression of a hen, or to kill anybody named Vito.
Organised crime is blight on our nation. While many young English kids are lured into a career of crime by its promise of an easy life, most criminal actually must work long hours, frequently in buildings without air-conditioning. Identifying criminals is up to each and everyone of us. Usually they can be recognized by their large cufflinks and their failure to stop eating when the man sitting next to them is hit by a falling anvil. The best methods of combating organized crime are:
1. Telling the criminal you re not at home.
2. Calling the police whenever an unusual number of men from the Sicilian Laundry Company begin singing in your living room.
3. Wiretapping. Wiretapping cannot be employed indiscriminately, but its effectiveness is illustrated by this transcript I found on-line on the F.B.I.'s website. It's of a conversation between two gang bosses in the New York area who's phones had been tapped by the afore mentioned F.B.I.
Anthony : Hello? Rico?
Rico: I can't hear you.
Anthony: Is that you Rico? I can't hear you.
Anthony: can you hear me?
Rico: We have a bad connection.
Anthony: Can you hear me?
Anthony: Operator, we have a bad connection.
Operator: Hang up and dial again, sir.
Because of this evidence, Anthony (The Fish) Rotunno and Rico Panzini were convicted and are currently serving fifteen years in Sing Sing for illegal possession of New Jersey.